Stick 'em up
People started screaming, some ran out the door like their life depended on it. The security guards surrounded us and pointed their weapons at me. My mother turned to look at me in disbelief and dumbfoundedly mouthed “what happened?”
Seems that when your mouth is half full of food, you shouldn’t try loudly explaining to your partially deaf mother “this is rubbery” at the national bank.
I remember how exhausting taking care of a young child could be. The constant crying, the nappy changes, it made me all the more glad mine had grown up. I couldn’t help but feel bad for the new neighbours, their child screamed all night.
“Good morning” I said, “hard time getting the baby to sleep last night?”
They both looked confused and asked, “What baby?”
“Well the sign said Tiger Woods!” exclaimed Mark as he lowered his head in a rather feeble attempt to avoid his wife’s burning stare. “How was I supposed to know that it wasn't a golf exhibit?”
Sally’s look didn't wander for a second. She sighed at her husband as she finally turned away to grab more gauze and surgical spirit. “Mark, we were at the zoo!”
Today's Newspaper
“But grandpa told me that he used to swat flies with the newspaper!” said little Timmy apologetically as he looked up at his angry mother. Sarah rubbed her furrowed brow and dismissed Timmy from the table with a loud sigh.
Sarah groaned as she grabbed the table brush and swept away a fly carcass and the remnants of her brand new tablet off the kitchen counter. 
Man Juice
A lone drop of his “man juice” dribbled slowly down the length of my arm. I licked it off in anticipation as I held on to its source. I was curious, and the taste was new to me. He looked at me in disgust and threw his now empty juice box to the floor. He turned and yelled “You cootie filled little monster! I’m telling mum!”
The Dancer
People feared her despite her trying to impress them with her dancing. She danced because her life depended on it. She felt trapped. Being enclosed in such a small place angered her, but she couldn’t escape. She just kept on dancing gracefully, but the people still walked away in fear.

She slowly died as all the firewood burnt out, leaving her remnants in the small fireplace.
Holding On For Dear Life
With tears in her eyes she held on to him, scared that she was about to lose her best friend forever. She wasn’t ready to let go. “NO!” she yelled as she watched him slip out of her hands. All hope was lost. She had failed to save him. 

She sat there crying as she watched the school bully run away with her favorite teddy bear.
Nobody had expected such tragic events on that bright, sunny day. Hundreds were running around in pain trying to flee the horrifying sight of their homes being burned. The fire was uncontrollable and many were injured in the process of avoiding the flames. Countless amounts of workers died. It was a tragic sight.

Who would have guessed that anthills were so flammable under a magnifying glass?
“Your twins need to be put back into place”, said my old neighbour as I walked by his house. I knew my twin boys weren’t angels, but I didn’t feel his words were justified. I frowned, but before I could retort he added, “This should help”, and handed me a few hundred bucks. 
How was I supposed to know he was talking about my sagging breasts?
I sat there crying as he laughed. He had taken everything I owned. I had no money left, and I couldn’t borrow any money from the bank. I was begging him to reconsider and have mercy on me... but he just laughed and asked me to hand over my last dollar, along with my dignity. 

That’s the last time I’m ever playing Monopoly with that jerk.
Jim was relaxing for the first time all day. He had been very worried that someone was creeping around the house. He wasn’t sure if the sound of footsteps was just coming from outside and naturally got scared. 

It was such a relief to find out nobody was around. It’s so much easier to take a dump when there’s no one around to hear it fall.
Animal Instinct
As time went by I couldn't wait, I wanted him inside me. 
I tried so many times to let him know, drop hints when he's beside me. 
I moved a little closer, trying not to let my feelings show too much, but I failed.
I simply couldn't wait. 

If I had known then that rabbits tasted so good, I would have been a much happier dingo.
I hated her... always trying to imitate me. She was always jealous of me. I couldn't believe we were once friends. I couldn't stand looking at her anymore. She would always tell me I'm fat, always find my defects. One day I couldn't take more, and I punched her.

There go seven years of bad luck. Starting by getting grounded by mum for punching the mirror.
"My favorite will always be Leonardo" said Sammy.
"I like Michelangelo better" replied Sue.
After many failed attempts at making some new friends, I decided to try and join the conversation and finally said, "I enjoy Picasso’s work more."

The others laughed and walked away, shaking their heads in disbelief. 
How was I supposed to know they were talking about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
"The baby looks nothing like me!" yelled Mike from across the room.
"You surely slept with someone else! Who did you sleep with? My brother again?! You're a bloody whore! Get out of my house" 

Silvia came running to me in horror, and crying her eyes out, asked "Why is daddy screaming at me mommy? I was only pretending to be you with a baby doll!”
I entered the hospital with one broken rib, 3 broken fingers, a shattered knee cap, 5 knocked out teeth and a black eye. I was in great pain, but I wasn't going to die from the damage. The doctors were surprised I could get such injuries doing what I was doing. 

Considering everything, breaking up with Susan had gone a lot better than I actually expected.
Living in the countryside had changed my perspective of life. I couldn't take anything for granted there. One morning, the farmer came in with a male sheep and said it was for me to keep. I wasn't immediately sure why he would give me such a thing. 

How could I explain to him that it wasn't what I meant when I said I needed more RAM?
"I'm back from Canada!" I yelled as I walked into my house. 
"I took care of everything" said Stephen immediately as I walked in, "I watered all the plants and fed all the pets!"
"Oh thank you... but what pets are you referring to? I don’t have pets…" I said, confused.
"Of course you do!" he said, "Whose are the 4 rats in the kitchen then?"

I found him irresistible. The feeling of his bare flesh against mine was so amazing that I just couldn't control myself. I ecstatically waited for the moment when I could touch my lips to his steaming hot body. He smelled wonderful, I licked him in anticipation. Some religions consider it very wrong to do this, but I can't help it, cannibalism is my one true passion.
“Get out! Get out now you bloody pervert!!!!” Sarah yelled as her fiancé walked in. “What? I just wanted to congratulate you on your game!” “Leave now!” she yelled again pointing to the door. He couldn’t understand her anger. Why did she want him to leave after finding time to watch her game? Confused and hurt, Jeff quietly walked out of the women's basketball locker room.
He leaned over the table and with his wide glistening eyes, looked at me gently, caressed my hair and kissed me softly. We soon left the restaurant and he started to walk home with me. As I approached the front door, he whispered “let’s not ruin this night with sex”. I’d have been thrilled a guy would say that had he not already been my husband.
They asked what my philosophy of life was.
I explained what I felt… how I believed there is no God… how I thought the yelps of a man in pain were more pleasing than any music… how the struggle of a child in my grasp felt almost orgasmic.
They’re reaction wasn’t what I expected. 
I guess I wasn’t cut out for that babysitter’s position after all.
I couldn’t believe the argument Benjamin and I were having. I knew my dad wasn’t perfect, but why was he saying such hurtful things about him? “I bet he’d have a blast with Satan” Benjamin continued. I was horrified that he would say such things, so I simply stood up, and made my way to another bench. Dad’s casket could be seen better from there anyway.
Julia always mumbled when she spoke, which is why her boyfriend was confused when she got mad at his misunderstandings. “Sanitary”, she said, followed by a discouraging hand gesture denoting a lack of something. Was he unsanitary? Robert wondered if she meant he lacked hygiene, or if she was discontent about his organization skills. How could he have known she was asking for a sanitary towel?
Blood had dripped on the floor, questions were being asked, people were being interrogated, but yet, no answers were found.
Sammy sat there in silence as the psychiatrist questioned him.
The psychiatrist encouraged her mentally challenged patient, “were you the one who cut Peter’s hand off?”
Sammy gave a blank look and answered “How else was he going to give me a hand with my homework?”
The Daleks gathered round Captain Jack Harkness in amazement.
They did not shoot, or try to attack… they just stood there in awe.
Captain Jack had an unusually wide smile on his face, which, given the situation, shouldn’t have been there. 
The Daleks asked him how something like that was possible, but all Jack could say was,
“What? Have you never seen a guy naked before?”
This incredible bloodlust is going to get me killed. But the want for human blood is just too incredible. I glide through the night and silently pierce unsuspecting human skin, and suck the sweet, warm blood right out of them. 
It’s my one weakness, but it’s my life. Humans hate my kind and have invented many ways to kill us. Hence the invention of mosquito sprays.
Elves were running everywhere screaming. Santa Claus was in panic. Someone had killed Rudolph on Christmas Eve. What more could go wrong? A special vet hurried to try and save him, but they all knew it was hopeless as the vet gave his final nod. 
But somewhere in the workshop, an Elf wrote in his personal journal how his hat won’t ever be chewed on again.
Emily’s dog took a strange liking to me in the past 2 days. He followed me around all the time.
Emily said it was because he liked the people that usually slept over at her house, but I wasn’t convinced.
That night, after I changed into my PJs, I realised the dog stopped following me.
Turns out, he only liked the chocolate I accidentally sat on.
I quickly jumped out of bed, grabbed a crowbar, and trying not to wake my tired husband, left to investigate the crashing sound I heard.

A dark silhouette could be seen pillaging the miniature statue collection, which were anniversary gifts from my husband.

The robber jolted at my sight, so taking the opportunity I whispered,
"If you take the whole collection, I promise not to scream"
The Emperor's Cat
The imperial guards feared the Emperor would be furious, as they told him the news of his favorite cat's death. Having killed the cat themselves by accident didn't help much either. They explained its death, adding hilarity and trying to rid the obvious blame off themselves.
The Emperor laughed hysterically at the news.
He also enjoyed sitting in his new one of a kind Imperial-guard-skin chair.
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